


Séance

by wren_rw



Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV), The Umbrella Academy (TV) RPF
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Klaus is a good brother and you can fight me on it, Other, References to Depression, seance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:35:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26077309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wren_rw/pseuds/wren_rw
Summary: Ben never got the chance to say goodbye.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves/Original Female Character(s), Ben Hargreeves/Original Male Character(s), Ben Hargreeves/Reader, Ben Hargreeves/You
Comments: 10
Kudos: 44





	Séance

**Author's Note:**

> Take a look at the tags and take care of yourself! ❤️

Death isn’t as terrible as everyone makes it out to be.

It’s uncomfortable, at first- cold, empty, tasteless. Passing through solid objects scrambles your head, makes it hard to see straight. But all that’s manageable, after a while.

The real problem isn’t dying. It’s watching everyone else live without you. It didn’t take Ben long to figure that out.

. . .

When Pogo told you about the accident, you didn't fully believe it. Sure, it made you sick. Made your vision bleed around the corners, your pulse race beneath your skin. But it didn't feel like death. If Ben was really gone, you would have felt it. You would have felt it like a hole carved from your chest. 

After all, you were just sixteen, and unlike the Hargreeves, you had never been trained to expect something like this around every corner. Even once his body had been found and buried- a handful of soil falling from your hand into his grave- it wasn’t real. It wasn't possible.

You stared blankly into space as everyone around you grieved, tugging on the black woven bracelet- _his bracelet-_ wrapped around your wrist. It felt like the calm before the storm- the deep, sick yellow that bleeds across the sky just before lightning strikes and sets the world on fire.

Reality didn’t catch up to you until night fell, bringing with it all the pain that you had buried deep beneath the marrow in your bones.

And then you broke in half.

. . .

In all the trials and tragedy of Ben’s life and death at the Academy- those nights were the ones that hurt the most.

He couldn’t hold you, you couldn’t hear him as he swore to you that _he’s here, you're okay, he’d never leave you alone ._ Not once, as every night you woke up choking on your own tears, sobs wracking through your body as you cried out a shattered echo of his name.

He could have screamed with frustration every time his hands passed through you- he couldn’t even wipe the tear tracks from your face.

All he could do was lay beside you as you fell apart, praying that you could feel him. All he could do is speak, letting his words hang in atmosphere and settle down on you like snow.

You couldn’t hear them- he knew that, but he liked to think your breathing settled somewhat as he spoke to you into morning, keeping his voice soft and low.

He told you what being a ghost was like _(only the good parts)_ , how much he missed you _(more than life)_ , and on the worst nights, he sang pieces of the lullabies that had put him to sleep when he was young and still alive.

The nights were hard. But the days were always worse, somehow.

. . . 

Some days, he almost thought you were the ghost. You passed through life like the walking dead- living as if there was nothing left for you now that he was gone, as if everything you are was consumed by grief.

He couldn’t do as much as blow a gust of wind in your direction- but Ben's almost sure that even if he had shaken you, screamed for you to wake up, you wouldn’t have noticed.

He was helpless to do anything but watch as his best friend- his _everything_ \- wasted away right in front of his eyes, every precious second of your life draining through your fingers.

It was March by the time he’d finally had enough.

. . .

“Klaus, come on.” Ben chases after his brother, veering a sharp left down the lavish hallway. “I know you can hear me, don’t be like this.”

Klaus is already down the flight of stairs, and honestly- his teenage chicken legs have no right to move that fast. Ben is desperately grasping for straws, fumbling for anything to snag the boy’s attention. “I’ll be your slave for a week!”

By some miracle, that actually works. If Ben actually had a body, he would have completely plowed his brother over.

As it is, Klaus just casts him a look that’s somehow both exasperated and unimpressed.

“Dude, you’re not even corporeal. What’s a ghost slave going to do?”

Ben opens his mouth, and closes it. _Touché_.

“Just- listen. I know it’s crazy, okay? I know.” He edges in between Klaus and the door, just in case he tries to make another escape attempt. “But I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important-”

“It’s against the rules! Dad will kill me, don’t you get that?” Klaus runs his hands through his hair, anxiety radiating off of him like smoke. “God, I’m not even supposed to be talking to you right now.”

“He won’t find out, I swear. I just need a few minutes.”

Ben knows he’s pleading by now, but he can’t afford dignity at this point. Klaus is looking at him- really looking, and he can see the indecision flickering on his face, Ben’s last shred of hope flashing before his eyes.

Honesty bleeds through the sandpaper in his voice, all the hurt of the past months welling up like the rising waters of a flood.

“It’s killing them, Klaus.”

They just look at each other for a moment, and Ben knows that Klaus has seen it. The way you're collapsing into yourself, burning from the inside out. They can’t let that happen. Not you too.

“Please.”

Klaus sets an impressive array of curses loose under his breath. He looks up at the ceiling, as if hoping to find the answers written there- or maybe just to call on God for patience.

“Five minutes.” He points a stern finger at Ben, eyebrows raised high. “I can give you five minutes, and then we’re done.”

Ben breathes, the sound stuttering harshly through his chest. “That’s fine, five minutes, okay-”

“And we’re doing it in the shed. No one else can know about this.”

Ben nods quickly, and just barely restrains himself from going in for a hug.

“Klaus, I… thank you.” He’s not going to cry. He’s not. “Seriously, I’m gonna owe you the rest of my-”

Ben catches himself just before he says _life_ \- struggling to find a more accurate substitute.

Klaus cracks a smile at Ben’s mistake- _always_ with the dark sense of humor.

“Alright. Come on, Casper.” The boy sighs and beckons over his shoulder. “I’m gonna need some things from upstairs.”

. . .

It was probably too easy to convince you to sneak out to the Hargreeves’ shed in the middle of the night. One mention of Ben’s name, and just like that- you were all in.

Once that was settled, all it took was dropping some benadryl into Dad’s Earl Grey and slipping out through the window in Ben’s old room.

By the time the moon has risen to it’s peak, you're all perched around the shed’s wooden table, faces illuminated by a single halogen lamp.

In that massive desk chair, you look smaller than Ben has ever seen. He can’t help but notice that there’s a fine tremor in your hands, one that never used to be there before he passed.

“Klaus, I.. don’t know how this works,” You twist Ben’s bracelet as you speak- you've worn it so long that there’s a stubborn tan line in it’s shape around your wrist. “Do we like, perform a ritual, or some kind of incantation, or-”

“What? No.” Klaus looks up at you, eyebrows raised. “Ben’s already here.”

Your eyes fly open, so wide that for a moment, Ben thinks you might be afraid. Then you breathe, a sound so broken it’s almost painful. “What?”

“He’s here.”

“Yeah, I got that, but- _where_?”

“Well, right now he’s just standing there and staring at you, like an idiot-” Ben tries to slap his brother on his shoulder, falling into his chair. “-And now he’s sitting next to me. Right there.”

You look between him and Klaus- though you must just see an empty chair where Ben is sitting. Ben doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to that.

“You’re serious?”

“You think I’d lie about something like this?”

“No. No, sorry. It’s just… a lot.” You swallow, as if building up your nerve. After a moment, you raise your hand off the table. “Do you think I can-”

Klaus pauses for a moment, considering. “I don’t know. You can try.”

Ben is frozen on the spot as he watches your hand search for him, and for a brief second, reaching out to you- what was once the easiest thing in the world- feels impossible.

He snaps out of it just in time, tentatively covering your hand with his.

“There,” Klaus tells you, and you still just as your hands converge. He looks between you and his brother with interest, a strange expression on his face. “Can you... feel anything?”

Ben waits with bated breath. You're silent long enough that a stubborn hope starts rising in his chest- right up until he realizes with a jolt that you're fighting tears.

“No. Nothing.”

Your voice sounds just as broken as you look.

Ben wants to curse himself out for getting either of your hopes up- but there isn’t time for that tonight. This isn’t about him.

“Klaus, is he… he’s really here?”

“Yeah.” For a moment, Klaus looks over at him, and Ben is taken aback by the look in his eyes- something strikingly alike to sympathy.  
“Yeah. He’s, uh- got some things he wants to say to you. If that’s alright.”

You pull yourself together, wiping angrily at the moisture in your eyes and taking a deep, rattling breath. “Okay. Yeah, okay.”

Klaus’ attention turns to Ben, and the boy suddenly realizes that you're both waiting for him to speak.

 _Shit_. He had everything planned out in his head, but the sight of you in front of him is enough to wipe his mind completely blank. What could he possibly say to you that would ever be enough?

“Um... Hi,” he manages, and immediately wishes he could slap himself.

Klaus turns dutifully back to you, and translates. “He says hi.”

You look at him like you're contemplating murder, and Klaus throws up his hands in defense. "I’m serious! It’s not my fault he’s awkward- don’t shoot the messenger, Jesus.”

“Okay, shut up!” Ben shakes his head, fighting to compose himself. “That’s not what I meant to say.”

The yellow light flickers softly, and after a long moment, Ben finds it within himself to speak. Just like they had agreed, Klaus relays his message word for word.

“He says that... he’s sorry. He tried to stick around, but it wasn’t enough, and he-” Klaus hesitates for half a second, frowning. “He’ll never forgive himself for that.”

Your eyes flood as you recognize Ben’s speaking patterns in his brother’s voice. As you finally allow yourself to believe that he's here, _actually_ _here_. “Tell… tell him to shut up,” you finally manage, doing your best to keep your voice stern through the swelling in your throat. “It’s not his fault.”

A sad smile twists Klaus’ lip. “He thought you’d say that.”

“And... he knows you’re going to worry about him, but he wants you to know that he’s okay. He misses you, so much, but- nothing can hurt him, now. He’s safe.”

That just might have broken you- your shoulders shake as tears begin to fall in earnest. “Good,” you finally get out, your voice wrecked. You close your eyes, biting hard against your lip. “That’s good.”

Ben’s knuckles are white against the table, but he doesn’t pay that any more mind than the prickling behind his own eyes. He does his best to keep it together, for your sake, but- _God, he’d kill just to hold you._

“Klaus, can I… can I say something?

Both boys look up as you try to wipe your face. “I mean.. to Ben. Can he hear me?”

“Yeah,” Ben breathes, before remembering the obvious.

“He can,” Klaus says. “He’s listening.”

You nod, taking a deep breath. You look up, like you're trying to find either the right words or the courage to say them.

“I… I didn’t give up on you.” Your words are soft, barely audible- but Ben feels them like a shot through the chest. “I looked for you, everyday.”

“I know.”

He was there. He had followed you through the rubble, torn into pieces by every desperate call of his name.

“I didn't believe that you were gone. I… I just couldn’t, I guess. But if you’re here now, with Klaus-” You break off. You have to cover your mouth to keep back the broken sound that threatens to escape, and Ben _hates_ himself, _hates_ that he’s the one who did this.

“You’re really not coming back, are you?”

Ben somehow finds the strength to speak- to break your heart one last time. “I can’t.”

There’s _so much more_ he wants to say, so much more that you'll never know if he doesn’t tell you. Sounds trapped in his throat that make shapes like _I love you,_ and _I’ll never feel this way again._

But dawn is breaking through the cracks in the walls, filtering through the air and lighting the dust on fire. Klaus looks down at his watch and winces. “We gotta go. Mom’s coming to wake us up.”

“Shit. Wait, not yet-” Ben’s mouth goes dry as Klaus begins to pack his things, knowing full well that the second his brother walks away, he’ll be forced to follow. “Please, just one more thing.”

Klaus hesitates for a long, dangerous second. “Fine. But, seriously- make it fast.”

Ben knows he's running on stolen time, but for the fracture of a second- he just stands and stares. Stares at your golden halo- the rising sun behind your head, the dark circles beneath your eyes, tear tracks melting like sugar down your cheeks. You've never looked more beautiful than this. 

_I love you. I love you. I love youIloveyou IloveyouIloveyouI loveyou so much._

The words fight against the clenching of his teeth, burning his mouth in their intensity, in their desperation to be heard. There's a voice in his head screaming _Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it now._

He could. Hell, right now it feels like that's what every cell in his body was designed to do. The confession has always been tethered to on the tip of his tongue, and now it's tearing at it’s restraints. 

But... he knows you. Knows you better than the beating of his own heart, knows if those words leave his mouth, you might never let this go. He can't let that happen. He can't use his last words to hurt you. Not more than he already has.

When Ben speaks, it’s as if it’s just the two of you, alone. As if you can see his face, hear the wreckage in his voice.

"Okay. I need- I need you to listen. I... know this isn’t what you want to hear, but... you deserve to have a life. I- I can’t ruin that for you. I can't."

Another breath, in and out, and for some reason- it feels like his last. His last breath, or at least, the last one that matters. "So, just... forget about me, okay?”

Your brow furrows as Klaus relays his message, and for a moment, you look almost confused. “I can’t do that. You know I can’t.”

“Tell me you’ll try.” Ben’s never been one to beg, but then again- nothing has ever been as important as this. “Promise me. Please.”

“I…” You bite your lip, conflict crossing your face like the flickering of a film reel.

“I'll try."

You don't quite look like you believe it, but it has to be enough. 

“We have to go, now, Ben. I’m serious.” Klaus is craning his neck to watch the house for movement. “The sun’s up, it’s time.”

Ben rises, and for the millionth time that night, resists the urge to reach out for you, to wipe the moisture from your face.

“I’m... fuck. I’m sorry. Goodbye, y/n.”

The tears don’t stop, and neither do the tremors in your hands.

But there's something in your eyes that wasn’t there before- an understanding that this is the way it has to be.

You find the fracture of a smile- one last gift before he goes.

“Bye, Ben.”

 _See you around,_ he wants to say- but that’s not up to him anymore. No telling what will happen after this. He settles for the next best thing.

“Have a good life, for me, okay? The best.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! Kudos/comments mean the world to me, so please let me know what you think. Any sort of feedback is appreciated! Xx


End file.
